truth be told...

I've been reading a lot of other blogs lately and have found that us mom's out there in 'bloggerland' portray a perfect life with our families; I too am semi guilty of this. 

I don't know how to share the not-so-perfect moments.  

How or does one even share with total strangers the fact that there are days where I am grumpy, moody, lazy and just annoyed with everything?  

When I started blogging, not too long ago, I mentioned that I wasn't sure what I was going to write about, then I decided to stick with true life stories about me and my family.  

What I haven't done is tell the whole truth, the truth that I'm still trying to figure out how to be a mom... at least the one that I envision; I'm still trying to be the wife that I see in my thoughts and on TV and read about in other blogs... you know the one: understanding, patient, attentive, thoughtful, always available to lend a hand to her working counterpart, has dinner ready at the same time every night, does the laundry, has a spotless home, blogs, reads books, forms mommy clubs, has intellectual conversations, home schools her children and allows for play time and crafts.

The truth is... there are times where being a mom isn't easy for me, there are times when I feel as though I lost a part of who I was, there are days when I wish I could jump in the car and just drive like I used to, there are days where I would love to sit in a nice bath and read a book for hours, there are days where I would love to do what I want to do without thinking about chores or what I should be doing instead.

BUT THEN....

The REAL truth is... if I actually did all of those things, I would feel guilty, I would constantly wonder what they (my family) were up to...I would miss my daughter and my husband immensely; even if only for a few hours. I did lose a piece of who I was because I made that decision, I made the decision to upgrade that piece to a new piece... I know that it's ok to sometimes feel a loss 

because I have been me for more than 30 years... 

I've only been a wife for 4 years and a mother for 2 almost 3 years.

I think I say that I want 'me' time but what I really want is to constantly be connected with my family.  

I'm sure I will eventually find my perfect balance but for now... I'll remain conflicted.